THE ‘OH, WHAT AM I LIKE?’ DRINKING SHOT

The ‘ooh, caught me again’ expression on their face is usually belied by the fact that you can clearly see they’ve made a concerted effort to get in the picture. This kind of person would usually be described as ‘effervescent’, which everybody knows is a byword for ‘prone to suicide-inducing outbursts of inane chatter’ and/or ‘has an estuary accent’.

THE GF/BF SHOT

The studied lovelorn looks of these photos are enough to make you hate love, full stop. Don’t bother talking to these people until they realise that they’re not the only people on earth to be attracted to eachother, and that it doesn’t have to permeate every single aspect of their lives.

THE BEZZIE MATES SHOT

Yes, you have found somebody who can tolerate your company for more than a minute at a time, congratulations. Why not throw your arms around eachother and silently scream in front of a camera to celebrate?

THE TORMENTED SOUL SHOT

Rendered in black and white and with self-harm scars just visible (presumably a metaphor for how their inner tumult can barely be concealed), this is as trite as it comes. Nauseatingly however, they’re always garlanded with comments saying how ‘cute’ they are, completely undermining the original intention.

THE ‘ARTISTIC’ SHOT

These pictures just scream ‘I have absolutely nothing of interest to say about anything’, and confirm that the most artistic thing they’ve ever done is arrange their stationery into a smiley face. Paradoxically, they always have a knowingly supersilious expression on their pallid face, and the picture always has some kind of ‘quirky’ effect.

WORDS: DAN MOSS