It’s a nice idea, but ‘Mills and Boon’ literature is written for virgins and children. Fact. A bold opening gambit, but for anyone who has actually had sex, I think they’ll agree it’s a world away from the fairytales that comprise the ‘Mills and Boon’ genre. None of those books will tell you anything worth knowing about bumping uglies, but just in case you think you might be missing out here is a quick summary I wrote earlier, when I was asleep:

A misogynistic beefcake throbbing with unbridled lust enters a woodland…In skips a fecund, scantily clad maiden who inadvertently rips her flimsy blouse on a twig, revealing her heaving bosom…In he swoops triumphant (and still throbbing), and she swoons submissively…He then takes her with emphasis, what with him being a big manly man and all…Cue ravaging and various words in the same semantic field as ‘engorged, pulsating, quiver, stiffen, man sword, damp, panting, blah, blah, blah.’

If you want to skip all this hackneyed dirge, try reading one of the following books. They are much better….fact.

Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov
I must have read this book too many times to reveal without undermining my minimal credibility and seen both the Stanley Kubrik version and the modern classic, so this is why it must be the first book on my list. (the rest aren’t in any particular order) If I meets someone who hasn’t read this book, I forgive them their ignorance, if I meet someone who has read the book and doesn’t like it, I hate them, then hit them, with it. It has to be said that this book isn’t a book to whack off to, unless you are the wrong kind of sexual deviant, but its sinister paedophilic undertones are masked by the humour and likeability of both its main characters. It is hard to tell in this story who is corrupting who. Lolita is a book that should be read not only for the craftsmanship of its words but also its unique perspective of sexuality and the paths that lead us from our teenage experiences to our adult desires.

The Rachel Papers by Martin Amis
This is a good book, independent of the Adrian Mole diary series that people compare it too. I won’t do that because it’s better. This is one of the books on my university reading list for my module on adolescence or something….It was on a Monday afternoon at 2 and suffice to say I never attended, but I did read this book in bed instead, which I think is just as worthwhile. The story follows an obnoxiously clever 19yr old, Charles, as he attempts his protracted seduction of his lust object Rachel. The brilliance lies in the candour of the cynicism, if only more boys were this honest about wanting to get their end away, they’d probably get a lot further. Of course we as the reader only know he’s a duplicitous horn dog as we are party to his well constructed inner dialogue. Does he manage to get raggo? Read it, I can’t remember. Anyway, the language in this book is amazing, if only more people could speak like this about sex, or anything.

The Unbearable Lightness of Being by Milan Kundera
A book you can proudly tuck under your arm on any form of public transport, show the parents and the tutors, and just generally leave lying around with your name inscribed within the front sleeve, and get praise for, with out them thinking you’re a dirty little perv. It follows the lives of Prague intellectuals and bohemians (swingers) and their political and social goings on. We have marriages, mistresses, lovers and infidelities all circulating around the following age old discussion, that I know always gets batted about when hiding under a club stairwell deep in a k-hole, with nothing but a glow stick to debate with:

‘If life only occurs once and never returns, no-ones actions have universal significance’. (So shag who you want right?)

Existential grappling and excessive boffing, loves it.

Best American Erotica edited by Susie Bright
It’s a pretty proud boast for a book title, and a pretty large country to cover but these books have a pretty good go. I’ve said pretty too often but I was in the moment. This book is all about sexy moments, and has a wide collection of short stories that cover pretty much all elements of sexuality. OK so the beauty of erotic short story collections is that you don’t have to read them all to find what you are looking for, especially as a new collection is released under the same title every year by Bright. Yet you get exposed to a great variety of different styles and if some are more sick-making than others then move on. I recommend reading this book purely for the range of erotica expressed, and also how could you pass on reading a collection which is described as bridging the ‘tantalizing so-called Lolita gap between youth and middle age’, and also contains a story called ’The Sluts’, sounds great.

Last Exit to Brooklyn by Hubert Selby Jnr.
There has been a film made from this book, never ever watch it, its pony. This book is dark, it contains one of the wrongest chapters I’ve read in a book and having read American Psycho, I can say that this is in parts is worse. It focuses on downtown Brooklyn and is pretty savage in it’s descriptions of its characters, but it’s a cult book due to its unflinching descriptions of gang rape, alcoholism, and the way this affects the lowlife strata from transvestites, to hookers to dealers. It’s not how I would ever want my or anyone else’s life or sex life to be but at the same time it is a pretty enthralling read.

Enjoy.

Ottilie Wright