Got an STD? Me too neither. Got a new guy/girl and are too scared to tell them about your little problem in case it ruins EVERYTHING? (It totally will). Well I can’t help you with that, but if you dump them and join www.stdmatch.net then you can get it all out in the open before you even meet the new love of your life! Hell, you could even find someone who has, like, the exact same disease as you! Cute, huh?
This site lets you join up, declare your disease (which can range from HSV-1 – that’s a coldsore, germ fans – to the more exotic syphilis) and then find someone to love. Or just someone you can have worry-free, disease-ridden unprotected sex with, wahoo!
I had a little gander (which involved signing up, hi Mum) and noticed that some members have blatantly been put on there by their ‘friends’ for a super hilarious joke. Take ‘playtime2000’ for example, whose tagline is ‘everybody has HIV its not just me’. Right. It’s so obviously fake seeing as he looks about 12 and probably hasn’t even managed to get close to picking up an STD yet. I’ll bet his friends were literally urinating with laughter, crowded round the school computers at lunchtime, guffawing as they uploaded his photo then sent the link to his mum.
There must be some real people on there though. The girls all seem to be quite coy and most don’t have photos. That means they’re ugly. The four featured profiles on the front page however all appear to be regulation hotties, so I clicked on beefcake ‘jp1021’ whose tagline is ‘Move over bacon, I’m much leaner’. He is such a hoot. Being an uber hunk, ‘jp1021’ wants to make it clear that he’s not on the lookout for any Ugly Betty’s – ‘I have had bad luck at meeting people on here that do NOT at all look like their pics, so please just be honest… I am not shallow, I just want to meet someone that is equally attractive and intelligent’. He’s not shallow at all, ladies.
He also makes it clear he’s only looking for someone with HSV-2 (that’s genital herpes to you), the same disease as himself, so don’t even bother applying if you’ve only got HSV-1. That just won’t cut it. He was seriously buff though so I thought maybe I could pretend to be diseased and then quickly catch it off him before he realised. Sadly though my dreams were dashed as the website wouldn’t let me send him a ‘wink’ as I’m only on free membership. Gutted.
So don’t thank me for this guys, it’s a gift. I mean, it’s the best new way to get a date – having an STD seriously reduces someone’s date-ability factor so finding a new beau on here means you’ll face much less competition for them. Plus, some of the guys on there are actually quite hot (I guess they had to seduce someone to get infected in the first place) so maybe risk it for a biscuit and dive on in. Anyway, being STD-free is so last season.
NB Under no circumstances do I expect to see any of you signing up just to check out the people with STDs in your area. Big shout-out to 26 year old Herpes Dave from my hometown though…
