Viva Forever’ – tragic fan fiction Possible scenes from The Spice Girls musical
‘Wannabe’/ ‘Say You’ll Be There’ Scene
(The five girls are excitedly putting the final touches to their costumes in a lift)
Geri: Girls here we are at Smash Hits Towers, can you believe it?
Mel B: And worra we doing again?
Geri: We’re going to sing to the hugely talented editor Kate Thornton and she’s going to put us in the mag! Front cover I bet!
Victoria: (shoots glance at Geri) Well someone had better lose some weight first. The camera adds 10 pounds you know Geri, you fat pig.
Geri: (laughs) Oh Vicky! You’re so witty!
(Emma tugs on Victoria’s Little Black Dress)
Victoria: What is it, idiot?
Emma: Mummy, I think I need to poo poo
(Cut to- The Smash Hits offices)
Geri: Well girls are you ready?
Emma: I’m scared…
Geri: Don’t be scared girls, remember my quote from Ghandi: “There’s nothing to fear but fear itself”
Victoria: What are you talking about Percy Pig?
Mel B: Shhh Vicky, Geri’s giving us a pep talk
Geri: And does everyone have their lucky crystals?
(the other four nod)
Geri: Ok! Let’s Go! Remember girls: “SPICE FOREVER!”
(Girls walk up to Kate Thornton’s desk)
Kate Thornton: FUCKING HELL, WORK EXPERIENCE FUCK OFF…BOIL ME A FUCKING EGG OR SOMETHING!
Geri, Mel B, Mel C, Emma, Victoria: Hi! We’re The Spice Girls and we want to sing our new single ‘Wannabee’ for you Miss Kate Thornton
Mel C: Or anything from ‘Cats’ (bursts into ‘MacCavity : The Mystery Cat’)
Mel B: Shurrup ya daft keck (Mel B hits Mel C on the head)
Kate Thornton: OH FUCK…Listen workies, I’ve an important meeting with Lene from Aqua which I can’t miss…
(girls burst into ‘Wannabe’)
Geri: Well what did you think Miss Thornton?
Kate: Listen girls I thought that was great but the thing is there’s no place for a girl band in the cold winter of the 90′s pop landscape. There’s a whole new crop of great boy bands coming out like Northern Line and Orange Orange who have huge great careers in front of them (sly look to the audience) I’m sorry girls…
Geri: But Miss…
Kate: I’m sorry
Mel C: Well what about, say, to take an example completely at random, a Liverpudlian solo female singer with a deadly predisposition for AOR rock…?
(Mel B gut punches her)
Kate: (shakes head) That’s final. Apologies. I have important editorial matters to deal with. (Turns to Smash Hits member of staff) WHERE’S THE FUCKING COKE?
Mel B: Worra we gonna do now Geri?
Victoria: Well someone’s probably going to scoff down a KFC bargain bucket
Geri: We’ve got to keep going girls. You never know what’s round the corner
(Simon Fuller appears round the corner)
Simon Fuller: Hi girls! I’m the hugely successful musical entrepreneur Simon Fuller. I couldn’t help over hearing you, I’m looking to manage a successful girl band. To hell with the musical climate!
Mel B, Mel C, Emma, Victora: Yes!
Geri: Wait! What other acts have you managed?
Simon Fuller; Only Paul Hardcastle who had a big hit with ’19′…and the much less successful follow up ’20′
Geri: We’re sold Simon!
Simon Fuller: Brilliant! I’ve always wanted to find a popband who could endorse crisps, lollipops and a latterly ailing television channel..Now do you have another song?
Geri: We sure as hell do
(Girls start singing ‘Say You’ll Be There’)
Simon: Girls I’m going to sign you. Here, have some million pound notes.
Geri: What did I tell you girls? We’re going to famous!
(pause)
Emma: Mummy, I did a poo poo
‘Viva Forever’ scene
Mel B: Eeee, Geri’s acting well strange
Victoria: Oh gosh darn it, where is that big fatty pig pig?
Emma: (in baby voice) Yes, we’re doing the lottery show in just under an hour, where can she be?
Victoria: Probably got her big troff in a family size bag of Quavers
(Mel C is the background doing vocal warms up)
Mel C: MEMEMEMEMEMEME
Mel B: Oi Chisholm give it a rest will you? You’ll wake up my official Spice Tamagotchi!
Mel C: MEMEMEME- I was thinking girls, perhaps this isnt such a bad thing…I mean maybe I could do alll Geri’s bits instead…
Mel B: I TOLD YOU, YOU BLOODY DAFTY SHE DOESN’T HAVE ANY BITS IN THIS SONG! (slaps Mel C. Mel C falls to the floor. She lies in foetal position stroking her biceps)
(Nicky Chapman enters room)
Nicky: Hi lads, I’ve just had a message from Geri- she says she wants to go make a yoga video, write terrible kids books and cover ‘It’s Raining Men’ in an unintentionally hilarious way. She wants to go…SOLO
(Girls look shocked, Emma starts crying)
Mel C: Solo? That’s an interesting idea…
(cut into performance of VIVA FOREVER with just the four girls)
‘Goodbye’ scene
Emma: Oh Vicky, I can’t believe Geri’s gone for good. What are we going to do?
Victoria: I dont know…buy less doughnuts at the bakery aisle?
Mel B: Oh eck you two! WarramIgonnadowithyou? I told thee Emma: we’re going to go RnB like that Another Level…and Destinys Child!
Emma: Wowie wowie!(dances round in a circle)
(Mel C s in the background doing more vocal warm ups)
Mel C: LALALALALALALALALA
Mel B: We can work with that Rodney Jerkins what I met during the MOBOs. Girls, we’re going to LA
Victoria: A WHOLE NEW WORLD OF LAXATIVES!
Emma: what?
Victoria: Oh nothing…
Mel C: That’s great girls! Maybe I can do the high-Mariah bits (bursts into ‘Where Do Broken Hearts Go’ by Whitney Houston)
(Mel B comes over and shoves her)
Mel B: Shurrup ya daft cowshind! Save it for the LA
(Mel C falls to the floor and starts doing push ups)
Mel C: (whispers to self) I’ll show you Melanie…
Mel B: Come on you lot, let’s get t’airport
(Mel C stands up)
Mel C: Girls…wait! I’ve got something to tell you…
(the opening chords of GOODBYE begin)
Mel C: When we’re in LA I might not be with you in the studio the whole time. You see, I have my own little LA dream. A dream of burning down houses with Lisa ‘Left Eye’ Lopes, of having strangely muscular sex with the singer from the Red Hot Chili Peppers and eating only food that’s green coloured –
Victoria: THAT’S GREAT!
Mel C: Yes girls I’m coming with you but I’m MAKING A HUGELY SUCCESSFUL SOLO RECORD at the same time
Mel B: Noooooooooooooo
(Girls burst into ‘Goodbye’)
