Have you ever become so obsessed with something you’ve lost the ability to gauge whether or not it’s actually funny? It’s a bit like re-reading a sentence you’ve written for the fifth time, or trying to think objectively about your boyfriend’s chin. Well, let me introduce you to a web comic where this will never happen. It’s called Achewood, and I spend more time studying it than Elton John does his hairline. The difference? Achewood just keeps getting better, and there’s a chance in hell it might one day throw a party that I’d actually want to go to.
WORDS: ASHLEY MAURITZEN
Here are just some of the reasons why:
Ray: Ray is a thong-wearing multimillionaire with a gambling problem, and a fetish for women sitting on birthday cakes. Personal assets include a record contract with Sony and Keith Moon’s head, which he bought when he was high off Platinum eBay. He’s also a cat, which gives him that extra ‘awwww’ factor for those of you not charmed by quirky online shopping.
Topicality: Most of the Achewood characters have their own blogs, which means you can get personal up-to-the-minute responses to things happening in the real (‘whatever’) world. No biped journalist could have described our feelings more poignantly than when Ray wrote on the morning of Michael J’s death: “It’s bad. It’s bad around here. It’s like today was fake. Even the sunlight seems staged. I wish they’d take it away.”
Slang: Feel like pimping your vocabulary wardrobe? Achewood is, among many things, an illustrated Webster’s urban dictionary. Dropping ‘gruzzl’, ‘rad chillies’ or ‘chochacho’ into conversation will earn you the undying respect of your peers and free ice creams off other Ache Heads.
Longevity: Achewood first appeared in 2001, making it an impressive 3 642 100 068 internet years-old. Whilst any avid follower of Sean Connery’s career knows that being around a long time doesn’t necessarily improve quality, Achewood is definitely maturing like a fine cheesy nacho.
Keeping it real: The Achewood tagline is, “a momentary diversion on the road to the grave”. That’s it. Perhaps it’s precisely because it doesn’t attempt to be a life changing read, like the Twilight Series or The Bible, that it just sort of, maybe, kind of, is.
