bobby bob foster's imageI have never been to a strip club, it’s not a political thing, my internet history will attest to the fact that the sex industry is a part of my life, but I really don’t like the idea of strip clubs.

Partly, I definitely do feel bad for the girls, I can imagine doing the 4pm shift in some seedy venue in Soho in front of three men with body odour problems and convictions for spousal abuse can’t be much fun. But the main reason I don’t want to go to a strip club is what am I supposed to do? Do I just sit and drink with my friends and comment on the girls? Do I just sit and rub my thighs as they push their butts in my face? I think it would be the most uncomfortable thing in the world, and I don’t want to put fivers in some girl’s pants- I think it would demean us both.

Another thing that a lot of people like that I really don’t is coffee. It smells good I suppose, but the actual taste is so aggressively bitter you may as well be drinking Jack Dee before he turned lame. Also, when you drink it on an empty stomach something in it really burns your insides, is it the caffeine? It makes me feel sick. As well as that, it can work like cheap speed, making your brain go faster than you’d like and making you say and do dumb things. I have literally no idea why people would ever drink that brown shit to relax.

Pretty much the worst place I can imagine, then, is coming to my town- an American firm, Bikini Espresso Ltd, is planning on opening a chain of their stores in London. It’s pretty much coffee served by sexy girls in bikinis. So, if I go, I’ll be jittery, feel sick and won’t know where to look or how to hand over my cash. I don’t even see how, even if you like both strippers and coffee, you’d enjoy a combination of the two. Can anyone explain to me how these two things compliment each other? Please, seriously. I want to know.