Unfortunately a lot of people have already realized this and it’s becoming harder and harder to find sexy fish in the celebrity sea. However if you are willing to open your options (legs) a bit wider there are still some potential dates out there. They may not be the cream of the crop but they will definitely cream on your top.
1. Britney. When Britney went all psycho hose beast back in 2007 she was ripe for the plucking by pathetic and lowly non-celebs. Hence she dated that pap from Birmingham who always looked like he’d been sick down his jeans and had facial hair designed by a rapist. Now she’s getting herself together a bit more and bothering to slap on the fake tan she is in danger of moving back into the ‘difficult-to-date’ zone, so get in there quick.
Tip: if you can convince her to re-shave her head you’re looking at an extra four months of frappucino’s and juicy couture tracksuits. Tell her it’s a lot quicker in the mornings when you’re doing a Jade.
Too soon?
2. Peter Stringfellow. What an amazing name! He references G-strings in his name! Do you see what he did there?! What a great guy!
Personally this slimy mongaloid has always made me wretch, but I’m sure there are girls out there who can see past the leopard print thong to his warm and loving heart…and stacks and stacks and stacks of cash. Bleach your hair blonde, take a trip to Ann Summers and change your name to Sandy Hymen. Pete will LOVE that! Seriously! What a guy!
3. Blake Fielder-Civil. The Winehouse divorcee. Not strictly a celebrity in his own right, to many Blake might not seem like the obvious celeb boyfriend. But in this life it’s important to see past the labels that society places on people, such as ‘junkie’ and ’stupid prick with no reason for living at all’.
Blake did fantastic things for Amy’s publicity last year she was in The London Paper almost every day and at points I was genuinely scared for her ballet shoes. Think of what this man could do for you. Plus Amy would be really upset about your Sid and Nancy love (which you detail only in your exclusive column with the Daily Mail) and she’d write loads of songs about it and then you could release your own pop single as a reply, like that Frankee song ‘F.U.R.B. Fuck you right back’ which was a massive hit and definitely not shit in anyway whatsoever.
Plus, heroin clearly makes you skinny. It’s win win!
4. Prince Harry. Now, I know what you’re thinking; you’ve got doubts about this one. You can’t believe I would suggest dating someone with his position in society, but so what if he’s ginger you prejudiced douchebag.
Actually your mildly racist views would probably go down pretty well with a Prince who dresses as a Nazi and makes lovely little home videos fit for a BNP power point presentation.
Since Harry will probably never be King he can offer you a better deal than William – trips all over the world and plenty of ladyboy cocktails at Mahiki, without the pressure of having to make Granny like you. Just don’t mention James Hewitt (but def do some research in secret).
5. Michael Jackson. Don’t be fooled into thinking Jacko is unattainable due to his wealth and success, this is a man who dangled his baby over a balcony and dyed his skin white. Getting close to the legend won’t be easy what with all those pesky lawsuits, but he seems to have a penchant for marrying his nurses, especially if they are pregnant (preferably with one of his children, but I don’t think it’s essential).
Is training three years for a degree in nursing, relocating to L.A. and getting knocked up really that big a price to pay for a taco with wacko? A word of warning though romancing him won’t be easy. Yes you will get unlimited access to Neverland (and all those toys he has at his house, which some people might find weird as he’s almost 50, but I think it’s nice to see a man so in touch with the little boy inside him), but you will also have to put up with his crazy fans, such as the woman who released 14 white doves into the sky after he was found ‘not guilty’ at his ‘trial’.
Just make sure you get the right Jacko as I am 90% sure he died on the operating table and his management are sending out look-a-likes.
ELIZABETH SANKEY
