It’s a real testament to the British people’s refusal to enjoy sunshine that 19 million of us stayed in on the hottest day of the year to watch a decrepit old man and his I-would-if-I-was-drunk granddaughter sing that vomitous song from Aladdin.
If Britain’s Got Talent proves anything, it’s that while a tiny proportion of Britain does indeed havetalent, the rest of Britain is happy to sit on their fat arses with a bag of Kettle Chips balanced in their sweaty groins, carping like seals every time a person who is either very young, very old or very ugly is able to sing in tune.
If you were one of the four people to miss Saturday’s final: Diversity did an incredible peformance that won them the competition, Su-Bo lost out and then ended up in The Priory and that awful saxophonist disappeared in a puff of his own smug cuntiness, only to return as an actual cunt, his flabby labia getting buzzed of by Amanda Holden who noticed he’d stolen the skin that use to be part of her face.
As usual the judges spouted teary-eyed patriotism, telling the acts how proud they made them to be British. Stephen Mulhern – the presenter of Britain’s Got More Talent and, ironically, the least talented man in Britain – even wore a broach with the Union Jack on. But how proud should they be? Does Britain actually have the most talent? Let’s find out in a one-off feature we’re calling:
DOES BRITAIN ACTUALLY HAVE THE MOST TALENT?
Let’s start in Eastern Europe with our old buddies Poland. Surely they’re not going to have anything that beats a old lady from Scotland who can sing songs from musicals?
WHAT THE FUCK? DID YOU JUST SEE THAT SHIT. THAT DOESN’T EVEN MAKE ANY SENSE.
They’re defying the laws of physics. How does he do a handstand from the dimple in his back?
Also, love how the polish judges do that Ali G flick when they see something cool.
So Eastern Europe have better gymnasts than us. Big whoop. I bet Russia’s Got Talent (?????? ?????) doesn’t have any musicians who beat our douchey Saxophone player though.
Muthafucker that’s ill. He’s like the Jimi Hendrix of the violin. AND LOOK AT THE PRESENTER’S SUIT. Incredible. Those fabrics aren’t even in legal in England.
So the East kicks our butt. But let’s be honest, what was communism about if not freaky-deaky talent shows? Stalin probably had a big red X with his name underneath it. Over in the lazy USA, though, the only talents they have are school massacres and starting wars. Right?
Oh crap. Please, there must be one country out there that can make us feel better about ourselves. Right now, we’re feeling so untalented we could write an entire series of Horne and Corden.
Thanks Germany. Thanks “Das Supertalent”. Whenever we suck, you guys suck harder. We love you for that.
So…
DOES BRITAIN ACTUALLY HAVE THE MOST TALENT?
Er, No. But we do have Hotel Babylon and N-Dubz, so you know, swings and roundabouts.
