On average how many times does he cross your mind each hour?
a. Only once or twice, but that’s mainly because you can hear him banging his handcuffs against the radiator. In the attic. Which is where you keep your lovely little dreamboat.
b. 4 or 5. Why you asking bitch? What you think if you were going out with him you’d think about him more? Let me tell you fat-faced ho, my man is perfectly happy with the amount of time I think about him, now step off Lindsay freakin’ No-Man.
c. These pills the doctor made me take after ‘˜the incident’ means I never really think about him. They’re blue, I like blue. La la la
d. I don’t actually have a boyfriend.
If you think your boyfriend has been sneaking around behind your back what would you do?
a. Confront him immediately in a calm and rational manner. And by confront you mean find a lovely big baseball bat and by immediately you mean you’re doing that now just in case he ever cheats and by calm and rational you mean you’ve just wet yourself and are lying on the floor in a ball weeping and screaming, ‘WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO ME’ (but not too loudly, his parents are downstairs watching Gok Wan).
b. With boyfriends in the past you’ve done the usual cutting up their clothes, breaking their CDs shtick. But that didn’t work did it. They never learnt their lesson. And it’s time they learnt their lesson. It’s time all the men of the world learnt their lesson, and you will be the one to teach them. Yes, you will teach all the men of the world not to cross womankind ever again. One day. Until then just burn down his house or something.
c. www.revengecrabs.com
d. I’m gay.
Your boyfriend forgets your birthday! What do you do?
a. Kill yourself. Then he’ll never ever forget your birthday ever again.
b. Sign him up to be a Jehovah’s Witness. Then he’ll never ever have a birthday ever again.
c. Get him a makeover with Gok Wan. I know that might not seem that bad, but oh my fucking god I really really hate Gok Wan.
d. You’re such a fucking homophobe
You know a guy is serious about you when:
a. You take off his ankle tag so he can go to the corner shop to get some pop tarts and he goes straight there and comes straight back (obviously you only know this by following him in your Mean Girls pyjamas)
b. You tell him he is. In front of all his friends. At a house party. That you weren’t even invited to. Because he apparently ‘wants to break up’ but you know that he doesn’t mean it. You know it’s just because he’s scared of commitment/scared of how much he loves you. So yes, surely the best thing is to go to the party and tell him all of this. No don’t bother putting on any makeup or changing out of your grubby tracksuit, he should love you as you are sister. And also you can’t put mascara on eyes that are all red and puffy from crying for 24 fucking hours.
c. At 12.45pm everyday when he has his scheduled ‘txt my bootifal sxy gf and say <3 u babez <3 u’. A template you set up for him on his iphone when you were checking his inbox.
d. I really fucking hate you.
RESULTS
Mostly A’s ‘“ Jai’me from Summer Heights High
Mostly B’s ‘“ Stacey from Wayne’s World
Mostly C’s ‘“ You are Alex from Fatal Attraction
Mostly D’s ‘“ You are Hedra from Single White Female
WORDS: ELIZABETH SANKEY
