Remember this and this? Jesus Chrizzzt, you comment nerds (from both nations) went sick for it, it was the most retarded display of humorless nationalism I’ve ever seen. Do you not get that sometimes the classy thing to do is to rise above stuff? (also, Platform readers, you guys sound really uptight when you comment on the Slutever posts… Karley seems to be L.I.V.I.N, you’re sitting at your parents’ house getting cross that she hasn’t chosen her mortgage plan – loosen up, you suburban douchebags).
Anyway, I actually really like America, and I think it’s better than Britain in loads of ways. Here’s a few of them:
Pancakes, syrup and bacon.
In America they have a little thing they like to call a pioneer spirit, it helped them kill all those injuns, helped them land on the moon and helped them make a black man president. Those are all great and important things, but the pioneer spirit also helped them throw culinary convention to the wind, put a salty meat on a pudding and call it breakfast. Even thinking about this meal makes my mouth horny. What has Britain given the world, food-wise? Sheperd’s Pie is minced meat and smooshed up potato: are we in Eastern Europe?
It’s really big there
Have you been to the Yorkshire Dales? They’re nice looking, in an undramatic sort of way. Same goes for the Peak District: it’s one of my favourite districts ever, sure, but the peaks aren’t that high, in fact, they’re pretty understated. Have you seen the fucking Grand Canyon? That place is so vast, colossal, gigantic and enormous that it makes people’s brains hurt, the human mind sees it and does that “DOES.NOT.COMPUTE” thing that robots do in movies. Also, a road trip in the UK is 4 hours tops, meaning chances of hilarity are pretty slim in a sort of “this is just getting to be fun guys, I really feel like we’re getting to know each…oh we’ve arrived” kind of way. In America, after 12 hours in the car you and your bros will be practically family and you’re still three hours from getting to the Pearl Jam concert.
Americans are hot
British porn is like British weather, grey, dismal and prone to bouts of sudden, bitter extremity. Every British porno ever has an average looking Essex girl in a badly lit living room scowling a bit (in America it would look sexually aggressive, in the UK it comes across as bored and angry), being fucked by a man like this. All that I guess is fine if you’re in a hurry and nothing else has come up on redtube, but then something fucking gross always happens, like you’ll see she waxed her vagina but not her arsehole, or she has severe bruising on her inner thigh. American porn, on the other hand, is squeaky clean, silky fantasy, with perfectly waxed girls with skin like honey getting it from faceless mannequins that I can project myself into the position of without feeling like a middle aged Essex boy with skinny legs.
You can have a gun
LOOK AT HOW MUCH FUCKING FUN GUNS ARE.
Their film studios can afford to make films without lottery grants
In the UK, things that get lottery grants include hopeless but worthy causes like homeless charities and sports facilities in underprivilidged areas, niche and dying intellectual pursuits like ballet, and depressing necessities like cancer wards. Oh, and our film industry, which ticks all the above boxes. In America recently, they made something called Avatar that cost the same as a fucking country, and it blew the entire world away. Was Harry Brown ever going do that? Is Clint Eastwood going to get mad we remade Gran Torino in Camberwell?
No one is proud of being mediocre
English people love to be nothings, which is nice because they don’t make you feel awkward when you ask them what they do, instead of going “I’m the fucking CEO of Ebay and I run the fucking internet”, they say “oh, I work for a website, we do quite well”. That’s nice attribute, but Brits have it because they know if they’re successful, other Brits will fucking hate them for it. British people love to be average and inoffensive, no one wants to be seen to be the best, because success is for bourgeoise. But in America, where capitalism is seen to be an ‘ok thing, actually’, even the crackheads are all “I’m the best crackhead in this row of dumpsters, I will always be the best and if anyone wants to challenge me to a crack smoking competition I will smoke more crack than them without a doubt!!” It’s a little thing called self-belief, guys, and it’s why they run the world now.
(I can think of loads more but they’re all too obvious to bother with: way cooler cars, having a hotter head of state, having a bigger army, inventing rock and roll, everyone being a thousand times friendlier, etc etc etc)
GOD BLESS AMERICA!
