“Do guys mind wonky tits that much?”
From Anonymous
I thought we’d already established real nuccas ain’t got time to be sweating this kinda stuff, no man in the history of the world has stopped midway through sex because of the woman’s tits were wonky.
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“Hello little man, I have a problem. I keep coming on this vaguely interesting website which I sometimes enjoy but this kid who looks like the spawn off oddjob and willly wonka is putting me off coming back. What makes it worse is that he has some sort of Ali G dialect that is pretty annoying. You know that dialect that posh kids do at posh parties and make each other laugh real hard.
How can I keep enjoying pop culture updates with this going on?”
From actualfact
Obviously the best course of action to take is to be a little bitch and send this guy a passive aggressive comment, but do it anonymously because, you know, commenting normally would mean you’d have to have some guts. Now down to the nitty-gritty of what you should write in this snide comment. Firstly you need to insult this guy’s looks. The best way to do this is by choosing two poorly thought out references in the played out ‘the love child of’ format.
Now for the second line of attack you need to summon all your bitchmade energy into forgetting the fact no-one will ever give a fuck if you ever come back to the website again, because you, yes you are truly special, one of a kind, a snowflake, someone that adds to the landscape of a site just by your mere presence. For real though this guy you have beef with sounds like he went to private school, he’s a fucking fugazi and you need to call him up on his bullshit because you’re real son, you don’t fuck around with them private school fruitcakes, you kept it real and he didn’t. Just remember to punk that sucker with a reference that’s mad outdated.
One final suggestion: have an undeserved air of superiority at all times when writing this shit for no apparent reason.
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“Hey tuvshin. I met this guy a while ago… recently, we were really drunk and we made out. I think he has a huge crush on me, but he´s just not my type. I really like him though and I´d like us to stay friends. how can I tell him that without sounding like a bitch?”
From Anonymous
I suggest burning ‘Why Can’t We Be Friends’ by the band ‘War’ on a CD 13 times and giving it him, however if he’s kinda good looking and shit you can keep him around with the false promise of a lay as a show of the gravitational pulling power of your pussy.
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“Are you the Sultan of Brunei’s son? Did you send for Janet Jackson once?”
From Anonymous
Yes and yes.
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“Right so I’m in a real bad predicament, I’ll try and keep it short. I recently moved back to London and all my ganja connects are either shottin wank Buddha or its bare shy. One of my co-workers has some shit hot connects which he talks about bears. Now I know this doesn’t sound so bad and I should just ask him for some numbers but here’s my predicament. I work with my dad and he CAN’T find out my frowned-upon-yet-should-be-legal hobby.
What should I do?”
From The boy with the problem
Just blaze when other people have it. People who smoke weed on a regular basis all fucking suck. All they do is listen to: Dubstep/Mastodon/Radiohead (delete as appropriate) all day and talk about how weed should like totally be legal and stuff.
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“Is it too harsh to stick it in her pooper just before I tell my girlfriend I know she cheated on me?”
From ilikeboobies
We’ve cover anal before the real important matter at hand is to tell everyone she has a massive box as a pre-emptive strike to the inevitable ‘ilikeboobies has a small dick’ shit she’ll be spreading. Bitches love to talk shit after a break up.
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“Is sex an acceptable xmas present”
From Soro
If you’re female: yes, if you’re offering something out the ordinary like a blow-job with Vix Vapour Rub. If you’re a male, no, not ever.
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“What’s the rule – for girls – on dating someone younger than you? I feel like guys have it easy on that subject, but us chicks will be fucking demonized for dating someone even a year younger (then of course guilted into thinking we are indeed disgusting for doing so). The guy I’m fiening for right now, is about 9 months younger than I am, but at some point during the year, we are the same age, that’s not all THAT bad, is it?
Is it okay for me to lie about him being 18 to my friends, who 19 and are dating/fucking 22 year-olds? WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO?
I don’t wanna be the odd one out, weird ’sex offender’ of the bunch.”
From CB
Your head says no, but your pussy say’s get dat dick. Learn to trust your pussy.
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“How long after breaking up with a long term girlfriend is it ok to get your fuck on with someone else? (possibly an ex-ex girlfriend, maybe a yummy mummy from your ends).”
From S.U.K
The bitch has probably blown three guys already and fucked one guy just to stay at his place after a night out and you worrying about time limits? The fuckoutta here with that arbitrary rules for dating shit son. That shit only exists in romantic comedies and women’s stand-up material……bitch shit.
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“Hey Tuvshin, I broke up with my ex maybe 4 months ago, I’m over it, etc. but since it’s xmas I sent her a booty txt asking for sex. She said it might be weird and wont do it. don’t get me wrong, the new pussy is delectable, but i can’t deny that I want another go at her beautiful ass. She is super fine, I’m serious. How do I make her change her mind?”
From altdude3D
First off, your screename is fucking epic. Back to the matter at hand, if you didn’t burn all bridges with your ex when you were breaking up then you did it wrong bro.
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“Hey Tuvy,
So here is my problem: My ex boyfriend is a three year older, cocaine addict, DJ who I am still madly in lust with. I go to school with him and he sits next to me in two classes. We still eye fuck but we haven’t hooked-up in weeks. I’ve tried sex, drugs, alcohol etc. but nothing seems to get the homeless bastard out of my head. Any ideas on how to help?”
From A****e (Via email)
Fuck a black man. Once you go black, you end up in a motherfucking wheelchair.
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Ayo folks I know I’ve been slacking hard on lately but I accidentally deleted this shit on several different occasions because I like to write this shit while drinking and masturbating to Onion booty videos on Spankwire but I’ve made a solemn vow to answer you’re baby momma drama’s sooner. It’ll never happen again y’all.
Agony
