You know the drill by now. If you missed last weeks read it here.
“Hi Tuvshin. There’s this girl I really like but I’m only really in contact with her through facebook, I don’t see her much in real life. How can I build things up from there and eventually get my hands on dat ass?”
From DENTAL PLAN
You sounding and acting a real bitch right now mayne. I don’t even think you have it in you to get your hands on ‘dat ass’ you Bright Eyes listening muthafucka. But I’m gonna help a brother out, since I’m tired of seeing my fellow men emasculating themselves acting like little bitches and that whole being paid beaucoup money to do this column. Instead of acting sweet like bear meat you need to grow some balls and phone the bitch up and take her somewhere to get drunk. Take her to a gay bar, the alcohols cheap and all the good looking men are gay. Also remember to fight your inner flaccid dick urge to constantly call her for verbal hand holding, be man and quit complaining about ‘not seeing her much in real life’ faggot.
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“My mate has always been a girly faggot, but still likes girls. I think he is a transsexual. Anyway he’s getting more girly every day and doesn’t eat at all. He’s unrelaxed and talks about healthy eating and it’s really getting on my nerves. We used to be best friends, but now I feel like we’re growing apart. Are there like any anti-fag camps I could send him off to that would really work? Any other ideas?”
From Anonymous
Sounds like you and your boyfriend are having some serious relationship issues, it sounds like he’s becoming more health and calorie conscious and as a result swallows less than he used to, maybe even sucks your dick less than he used to. But I think the only thing that can be done is sharing and voicing your concerns on how his recent vanity is affecting your once loving and stable relationship.
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“Hello Tuvshit, I’ve got a bit of a problem which I can’t resolve. Everytime I go round to my best friend’s house, her dad touches my arse and makes a bowcat gesture at me. Should I just fuck him?”
From Confused reader, London
The Almighty Father, the Most High Jah Emperor Haile Selassie teaches to never ever cock block. For the small part of the Platform readership that are not Rasta’s it means it would contravene my religious convictions to even suggest not sleeping with him. Just remember to wrap it up before you slap it up.
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“How long should a girl wait to put out?”
From Anonymous
I know every girl dreams of losing their virginity in a churchyard to an Aussie douche-bag whose band ‘are totally ready to blow bro’ but talking from experience not every girl can be so lucky. The modus operandi of all the females I know seems to be: wait around until someone that I’ll definitely regret losing it to comes along. Bitter disappoint and shame is what makes sex so beautiful.
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“My girlfriend wants me to eat her out but I don’t want to, how do I tell her this?”
From Anonymous Emailer #1
You best start eating that pussy till you burp playboy. ‘Cause if you don’t, I will.
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“What can I add to give my wild mushroom risotto that extra edge?”
From Anonymous Emailer #2
Try adding a little creamy Gorgonzola, and if you a true baller then you could try adding some thinly sliced truffles. Thugs cook too.
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“Does it mean anything when specific girls ask me whether I’m still together with my girlfriend every time we talk? You can call me mister poo, or mister p, whichever you prefer.”
From ‘mister poo’ or ‘mister p’. Like I give a fuck.
It means stop talking to fat chicks. Nosey fucks.”
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That’s all for now. If you want Tuvshin to give you agony in your body post your problems in the comments box below or mail then to the man himself agonyuncle@readplatform.com
