The next time you’re trying to impress someone, you’d do well to remember that while you’re busy rolling up the sleeves on your t-shirt to look cool, they’re busy analysing every aspect of your appearance to determine whether you’re a loser or not. Things you’ve never even thought of. Some you can’t help (your flaky skin, cracked heels, yellow teeth…), but what about the things you can?
WORDS: CHRIS O’NEILL
Everybody knows the quickest way to impress someone is through drink. Be it knowing your wines like a pro, drinking enough tequila to make you sick, or downing a pint in 4 seconds (Oi! Oi!!), there is nothing so impressive as a master of liquid intake. The next time you’re ordering something as innocuous as a soft drink in public make sure you have this handy guide in front of you to make sure you give off the right impression…
Coca Cola – You are Mr Safe. You have no defining features. You are an egg standing lonely in a world of beige, featureless objects. You are not worth knowing.
Coke Zero – You are an ad man’s dream. You believe everything you hear, so are open-minded and trusting, but ultimately naïve and will be taken advantage of.
Diet Coke – You are a girl. You don’t want to be fat, but like to treat yourself and secretly want a toned handyman to breeze past you and not notice you. You are a spectator.
Tango – You fancy yourself as a bit of a joker. You are light-hearted enough to laugh in public at old jokes and don’t mind looking permanently like a child. You are Jeremy Clarkson.
Fanta – You like history. Created by Coca-Cola to get a foothold in Nazi Germany’s soft drink market, you know your brands, and that your can of Fanta stands for something more than just a drink – it is the conquering of an evil regime in a tin. The only mainstream branded soft drink that it is possible to order with a straight-face.
7-Up – You like yo-yos. Hey ‘dude’ the 90s went that-a-way ‘man’. Fido Dido is outdated. You lack the ability to keep up to date with what’s current and relevant.
Perrier – You are pretentious. English people speaking French aren’t revelling in a little joie de vivre, they are hoping you don’t speak French so have to ask them what they mean. Only Americans in fancy restaurants should order Perrier.
San Pellegrino – You are a King among Men. More prestigious than a fancy wine, the Spartan taste of San Pel complements everything good in life. Mixes well with anything citrus. Has the best label of anything listed here. Wear a pair of linen trousers for maximum effect.
Copella – You are an excellent judge of taste and style. Apple juice is the most underrated juice in the world. Far more satisfying than a smoothie, not as sickly sweet as orange juice, and in greater abundance than lime juice, there is no reason why apple juice shouldn’t be the world’s staple breakfast tipple rather than OJ. Drinking apple juice shows the world you judge things on merit and don’t get dragged in by hype (unlike Innocent fruit smoothie drinkers).
Nurishment – You ‘like to take care of yourself’. You can start by not drinking worrying concoctions from an ACTUAL tin.
Lilt – You have a drinking problem. Only when ordering a kebab does anybody buy a can of Lilt; the sweet tang of pineapple and grapefruit is a combination too sticky to guzzle at any other time. You need to learn to control you urges.
Follow this advice and no one will ever take the piss out of you for drinking the wrong sort of soft drink again.
